Did you guys know that Pulitzer winners' life expectancy is extremely high?
Did you know that Mickey used to send a hooker to the home of all the critics
on the eve of the publication of his books?
Did you guys know that Archie fucked my boss?
- What? - Uh-oh.
Yeah! No, that's right.
Archie Knox and the fabulous Faye Faulkner.
You know, really, though, I mean, they must have made
a smashing couple. Sound and Fury.
But what I don't understand is why he didn't feel the need to tell me.
Do you think you're channeling the spirit
of Zelda Fitzgerald tonight, my dear?
Better than the spirit of Miss Havisham.
Wasn't it William Blake who said that a proper woman should never be seen
eating or drinking?
It was Byron.
Now if you'll all excuse me,
the jailbait needs to school her boyfriend.
How could you not tell me?
Because I knew how much you enjoyed your work
and I didn't want to ruin it for you.
Oh! All this time...
All this time she knew and I didn't.
Do you have any idea how humiliating that is?
- Why are you so... - Upset?
Okay. What if your CEO got fired
and then you find out that he was replaced by someone
smarter than you, someone
better looking than you, someone
younger than you, who's got a bigger dick than you?
And then you find out
he slept with me.
Wouldn't you feel the least bit threatened?
Oh, sorry, that's right. You're Archie Knox.
Editor-in-chief of Stratharen Publishing!
This man who needs to just be this enigma, who...
No, no. To be just.
What does justice have to do with it?
No, no, no, no. You said "to just be. "
That's wrong. That's splitting the infinitive.
Good editors don't split the infinitive.
It's "to be just. "
Are you correcting my grammar right now?
I'm trying to make you better.
Oh!
What if I don't want to be better?
Well, then you'll be an associate editor forever.
Where are you going?
To the bathroom.
No, don't worry.
No, no, seriously. I'm potty trained.
Don't be a fool, Archie. Marry that little hussy.
I feel like a bimbo.
Bimbo is masculine.
Bimba would be more accurate.
Can't we just speak like regular people for once?
What kinds of things do regular people say?
They say things like,
"I'm sorry, babe. I should have told you about Faye. "
I'm sorry, babe. I should have told you about Faye.
Damn right, you should have.
From now on, full disclosure.
I promise.
No more veiled, ironic insults masquerading as conversation.
That's history. From now on, I'll be as humorless as a Hollywood sitcom.
- Don't stop being you. - Never.
So, how'd my performance go over with the Bloomsbury group?
Oh, you were the talk of the party.
Margaret said nobody's made a splash there like that since your Aunt Hilda.
She'd be proud, wouldn't she?
Not as proud as me.
Can't we listen to anything other than Badly Drawn Boy?
No talking in the library.
Come on. I'll even listen to jazz or Bob Dylan.
For the last time, I'm preparing for the concert,
and I want Elizabeth to think that
she's got a, you know, hip dad. So...
I can't take it anymore.
Be honest.
You're hyper-editing.
I know.
You're treating it like it's some kind of a test.
- It is a test. - You're thinking about Faye.
You ought to be thinking about the author.
- Mr. Putterman? - Yeah.
Arch, I need to know if you think I'll ever be good at this.
You have no idea how smart you really are.
Now I can afford to make some promises.
Let's leave here, go home and make love all night.
You can't walk out on Citizen Kane.
That's cinematic blasphemy.
Oh. Well,
take me home, get me naked and I'll show you blasphemy, Sire.
- What is with you? - I don't know.
It just must be something you do to me.
Sorry.
Hello? Hi, Daddy.
No, I'm at the movies right now. Can I call you tomorrow?
Okay. Love you, too. Bye.
You haven't told him about us, have you?
Of course I have.
Brett?
Jed! Hi!
What's the matter? You didn't take your Ritalin this morning?
- Jed, this is Archie. - Oh, no need for an introduction.
- It's a pleasure to meet you, sir. - You, too.
I'd like you to meet my new lady, Petal.
It's great to meet you, Petal.
She's much prettier than you said.
You're much prettier than he said.
He's never mentioned you.
That's a great ensemble you got there.
Did you convert to existentialism?
Oh, Petal hooked me up with her stylist on her TV show.
TV show?
I'm on hiatus right now doing a play in
the Village about the life of Eva Braun.
You were born to play that role.
She's taking me to the Emmys next week.
- Well, it was good to see you. We should go.
- Yeah. Nice meeting you.
By the way, promise to tell your mom and dad qu¨¦ pasa for me, okay?
Aren't her parents the greatest?
Yeah. Yeah, they are. Take care.
Daddy, I'm not sure if I belong in this job anymore.
I feel like I'm getting worse instead of better.
You keep talking about whether you're good at this or not.
The real question is, do you enjoy it?
I might hate it.
Well, what about your dream of becoming an editor?
Conquering the publishing world?
I can barely conquer my laundry.
Oh, my God.
I didn't even look at the time. Daddy, I gotta go.
Is everything okay, honey?
- It's totally fine. I love you. Bye. Love you too.
Hey.
I'm so sorry!
I was working on the Putterman book and
I completely lost track of time. Let's go.
Hey. Oh, Archie, come on, don't be angry with me. I'm sorry.
- Where's Elizabeth? - She's not here.
Oh. She's late. You wanna just wait out here for her?
Come on, Brett. Wake up.
She's not coming. She blew me off!
Can't you wrap your little brain around that idea?
But Archie, did you check your phone?
- She probably left you a message. - Stop coddling me.
We know there's no message. There was no message from her,
there was no message from you either.
The difference is that she has me for an excuse. What's your excuse?
- I told you, I was working on my book. - No, no, no, no, no.
You've got to stop and think that when you are late
that tells people that you don't care, that they can't count on you.
You have to stop and think about the people you're affecting.
When you should be thinking about Putterman, you think about Faye.
When you should be thinking about me, you think about Putterman...
Damn it, Archie, I'm not your daughter!
Yeah, you know what? I screwed up, I was late.
But you can't blame me for being a shitty father!
You're right, I am a shitty father.
What was I thinking?
It was so awful.
He wouldn't speak to me all last night or this morning.
So, Archie is acting like the self-absorbed jerk that I warned you he was.
I'm ashamed to admit it,
but I think Archie's starting to make me feel older than I am.
Do you know that I can't even remember the last time I went to a club?
Or that I watched a movie on Lifetime instead of a Hitler documentary?
- I don't even get proofed anymore.
- What's next, a senior - citizen discount?
Thank you.
Is it possible that I've been wrong about Archie all this time?
That his attraction to me isn't about sleeping with a younger woman,
but it's really about safety?
He's already lived my life.
There's nothing unexpected about me.
There's no problem that I can bring home
that he doesn't have the right answer to.
He thinks he has the right answer to.
But it works both ways because I want those answers.
I need those answers.
So he's like this cheat sheet for your life?
Is that a good thing?
You really shouldn't pose philosophical
questions to graduates of FIT.
Oh, my God. Honey.
Someone is reading your book.
I don't believe it.
Key, please.
Thank you.
Arch! Arch!
Do you know that as we speak,
a woman's eyes are moving over my precarious, profound punctuation
and my sensible, subtle sentences?
Don't you just love alliteration?
Arch? Do you hear me?
I made a mark on the world.
And I plan to celebrate by poisoning you with my shrimp scampi!
So come on down and let the rapprochement begin.
You must be Archie's daughter.
Elizabeth, right?
You have his smile.
His teeth are veneered.
Oh, well...
Maybe I'll see you around sometime.
Arch.
Who is she?
My way out.
So, you dating anyone?
No one special.
Whatever happened to that older guy you told me about? The big shot editor?
- I had to get rid of him. - Ah.
Probably for the best.
Your brother's down. Alone this time.
I guess he broke up with the cosmetologist.
Why is it "probably for the best?"
What?
When I said I got rid of him, you said it was "probably for the best. "
Why?
I just want to know if there's something from my childhood.
Something I'm unaware of that's the key to my life with men.
You know, like a relationship Rosebud.
You finally saw Citizen Kane?
Yeah, Arch...
Stop changing the subject. Answer my question.
Well, yeah... Listen, if it's all the same, I...
I'd just soon buy you a sled.
Hi, Mom. - Hello, honey.
- What's the matter? - Nothing's the matter.
What do you think? We had it repainted.
- What color is it? - Alabaster.
No one can even tell the difference.
It looks much better.
Hey.
Hey, Ethan.
Dad's got cancer.
Well, it was really very easy to hide.
Up until this past month, I didn't even feel sick.
Plus I didn't really want it to interfere with your lives.
You mean, my life.
Because, evidently, I wasn't grown up enough to handle it.
I can't believe you told him first!
What does it matter who found out first?
Because it's not right to keep secrets from family.
You're one to talk.
What's that supposed to mean?
I talked to Jed.
He told me all about this Eddie Albert guy you've been shacked up with.
All right. Let's knock it off, kids, huh?
Dad, how much longer?
We can take it.
I made your favorite, honey. Soft-shell crabs.
Dad is dying and the only thing you can think to talk about
is alabaster paint and soft-shell crab?
What is wrong with this family?
We gotta eat.
I brought sushi and you're gonna eat it.
So, what can I do to cheer you up, my love?
You could leave.
My newest, brilliant work of creation.
- It's cute. - It's yours.
- Try it on. - Maybe another time.
- I would love to see it on a regular body. - Regular body?
- Is this your idea of cheering me up? - What? I bought you sushi.
- I hate sushi! - Honey, I...
I saw Archie last night.
You did?
I'll tell you all about it as soon as you try this slip on.
- How are we friends? - 'Cause you pay me so well?
He was having dinner at Balthazar.
- Was he with someone? - Couldn't tell.
The point is, Brett, he's obviously well enough to be seen in public
and, you know,
maybe it's time for you, too, babe.
Honey. Your break-up diet is working wonders.
- Hello? Is that you, Brett?
- Faye? - Listen, I don't have time to talk.
Binky Urban's having a cocktail party I have to go to.
So I need you to deal with Cas Coyote.
He'll be waiting for you at Michael's at 10:00.
10:00 tonight?
Yes, he and his best friend, Jack Daniels, are touring the East Coast.
They managed to slip in a few meetings before heading off to Europe.
It's your job to guarantee Gitlin & Stern
the exclusive first look to his rock 'n' roll memoir.
- Understand? - Faye, I'm really not feeling well.
- I don't think I'm the person... - Bloody hell!
Then stick a few Vicodin up your ass.
Look, darling.
You're not shagging our favorite ex anymore. So no more special treatment.
Oh, and I won't reimburse you more than $300,
so no beluga and no Cristal.
That's champagne and caviar, in case you were wondering.
Thank you.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Cas Coyote.
Mr. Coyote?
Sure, sweetheart. Who shall I make it out to?
Oh! No, I'm... I'm Brett Eisenberg.
From Gitlin & Stern.
- Where's Faye? - She's...
She's having a little problem with...
With what?
Herpes.
Let's eat.
Two orders of beluga caviar. Two bottles of Cristal.
And for the young lady?
I'll... I'll have a cr¨¨me br?l¨¦e.
So, Mr. Coyote.
Why don't you tell me about the memoir?
What it's about, how you see it?
Basically, I am seeking
an initial print run of half a million copies at an SRP of $24.95.
Obviously, I'd want no books on consignment,
plus a guarantee for a firm sale.
Absolutely. I mean, it's even more reasons to go with us.
Our subsidiary rights department is
considered the best in the business.
And our relationship with Hollywood is also incredible.
We have a direct department that...
Not a film sale!
A firm sale, firm! You do know what that is, don't you?
Of course. That's what our legal department does.
She's a flunky, Cas. A little paper-pusher they sent over here
to buy us dinner and jerk you off.
Look, it's not my job to negotiate deals.
I help authors find their voice.
- Let's split, honey. - Please, no, wait.
I'm sorry if I upset you. I'm just a little under the weather.
I'm sorry I was late, honey.
Traffic was a terror.
Hey, Cas Coyote.
Archie Knox!
I'm flattered you remember me. Remember you?
Honey, this is the guy who introduced me to Charles Bukowski.
Your chiropractor?
- Anyway, you mind if I join you? - Sit.
Congratulations are in order if you're breaking bread with Brett.
Looks like you're planning to sign with Gitlin & Stern?
Well, we haven't actually settled on anything yet.
Well, you better hurry.
You have before you the savviest editrix in this town.
I've tried to hire her myself for the last
couple of years and she turned me down.
You know why? She says I'm a letch.
Archie, you are a letch!
Something to eat, Mr. Knox?
Well, why don't you just ask Jacques to whip up whatever he's in the mood for.
Make sure you put this on my personal account.
And cancel
whatever the young lady ordered and bring her a bowl of chicken soup.
Why do you think your Dad didn't tell you he was sick?
He didn't think I could handle it.
You were right. No matter how hard he tries, he just...
He can't stop treating me like a little girl.
Oh, no. He was trying to be noble. He didn't want to put you through that.
How are you doing on the drinking?
I'm doing pretty good, actually.
I'm taking that pill that makes you puke when you drink and
went back to AA for a little refresher course.
You know what they give you when you mark your sobriety, don't you?
A plastic poker chip.
I wonder what they give you at Gamblers Anonymous.
You screwed it all up, Arch.
That's my raison d'¨ºtre, baby.
But if it makes you feel better, I was miserable without you.
And you should see Mickey.
Like his parents got divorced.
Well, the important thing is that he doesn't blame himself.
Hey.
You want to
sleep over my place?
In the guest room?
I didn't catch that.
Yes.
Go away.
Go away?
Methinks me lady has flipped her lid.
You used to always want my input.
Well, I realized I was relying way too much on your judgment.
I rely on your judgment.
I ask you to look over my work from time to time.
You don't need my help, though. If I wasn't here, you'd be just fine.
Oh, really? You planning on going somewhere?
Move the dialog to the bottom of the page.
It will create more suspense for the chapter break.
Psst!
You love me. Don't even try to deny it.
- Hi, Dad. - Hello, baby.
- Well, nice to meet you, Archie. Nice to meet you, Robert. Bob.
- Was the crab a little off? - Oh, no, no.
- What vintage were they? - I thought they tasted fine.
Me, too. It was very crabby. Arch?
Well, I do appreciate the attempt
you've all made at avoiding the obvious.
It was a worthy effort. But let's
cut to the chase, shall we?
Robert, how old are you?
Fifty-seven.
And I'm 50.
So, that makes me younger than Robert.
So, everybody feeling good about that right now?
I am very relieved.
Grow up, Ethan.
How old were you when Brett was in third grade?
Brett skipped the third grade.
Well played.
Honey? Why don't you come and help me with the coffee?
- Yeah. - I made sponge cake. Sugar free.
He's very charming.
Very handsome.
Clearly, very successful.
I don't need a recap of his resume.
I want to know if you like him.
What's not to like? He's very charming.
We need more cream.
Can't you find kids your own age to play with?
Take as much time as you need. - I will.
But don't forget that I need you, too.
More than I've ever needed anybody before.
Because you may not think so, but you're different.
From all the rest?
Brett? Honey. Wake up.
What is it? What's wrong? Why are you out of bed?
Honey...
Archie's in the hospital.
His friend Mickey called a little while ago.
They brought him in late last night.
Severe front-to-back abdominal pain, high fever, rapid pulse.
If I had to guess, I'd say it was an acute pancreatitis.
He's a diabetic.
Brett...
Is Archie alcoholic?
Yeah.
Look, you know I don't like to get involved in your life.
But this is the reason I don't...
That I'm worried about this relationship with this man.
If Archie isn't going to take care of himself,
someone else will.
I don't want
you to have to spend your life that way.
Where is he?
Manhattan Hospital. Come on, get dressed.
- I'll drive you back to the city. - No, Dad. Are you crazy?
Well, Mickey didn't exactly sound like a crisis manager.
He's a Pulitzer Prize-winning author.
Yeah.
And you're Brett Eisenberg, MD.
MD?
My Daughter.
Excuse me. I'm looking for Archie Knox's room.
The Knox suite is right behind you.
Thank you.
Just a minute, miss. Sorry to bug you.
But your father hasn't filled out his dinner menu yet. Would you mind?
- He's not my father. - Excuse me?
I said he's not my father!
He's my boyfriend. I have sex with him!
Either way, he eats, right?
Right. Sorry.
He's my boyfriend. I have sex with him!
Great. It's the cast of Cocoon.
- Hi, Mickey. - Hey.
- Oh, Mickey, your hugging hasn't improved.
- Lack of practice.
- I think I'll go steal some drugs. - Get me something good.
What are they feeding you?
I had asked for the antidote to you, but it was back-ordered.
Here.
Am I ordering for two?
I have to get back home.
If you leave, I'm gonna put that in my book.
Oh, no. You are not writing a book about us.
Most women would be flattered.
Being a muse is demeaning.
Did you know that Renoir only used to paint women he thought were dumb?
I told you that.
How's your old man?
Which one?
Were you drinking, Archie?
Is that why you're here?
Actually, I've been drinking all along.
I wish you would have let me come to your father's funeral.
I could have wiped your tears. I'm really very good at that.
I'll be okay. I promise.
I love you, babe. I'm here if you need me.
I know. Thanks.
Need a push?
No, thanks.
I know I'm not Dad,
but if you ever need to talk to anyone about anything,
I could try and manufacture something that sounds lucid.
The only thing that I can't bear...
It's killing me.
Is the thought that he was worried about me when he died.
He wasn't worried.
How do you know?
I was here the morning that Dad
got the phone call from Mickey.
I don't understand.
Well, after he hung up the phone, I...
You know, I told him I would gladly assassinate Archie,
if that's what he wanted.
Like a dying wish kind of vendetta-like thing.
- That's very comforting. - Yeah.
Anyway, he said, "Thanks,
"but I think Brett can take care of herself. "
He really said that?
Oh, yeah. That's straight from the mouth of Robert Eisenberg,
MD.
My Dad.
Thanks for offering to kill someone for me, Ethan.
Anytime.
I don't think you wanna go.
Why do I feel like I'm about to enter an Ibsen play?
You're too skinny to play Hedda Gabler.
You look beautiful.
So, how's your mom doing?
She's okay.
Honestly, I think she's relieved.
It was hard for her. Watching him suffer.
Is that for me?
It's the rest of your things. I had a Chinese laundry wash it all for you.
I hope that means they folded my socks into those neat, little cubes.
Definitely.
Do you have your BlackBerry with you?
Of course.
Would you take it out?
I don't think you did it right. I'm not getting anything.
Let me try this again.
Read it.
I'm sorry, Archie.
You shouldn't be drinking soda.
- Why not? - Because of your blood sugar.
No, not why shouldn't I be drinking a soda.
Why won't you marry me?
- Are you asking me to explain? - Yes. I am.
Because when I look at you,
I see a teacher.
But when you look at me, you see a student.
Because you like to run away.
It's part of who you are.
Because, in the end,
a girl can't grow up until she loses a father
and leaves an Archie.
You'll always have your pick of women.
You know that.
Can't you at least pretend that the idea
of me with somebody else is hard for you?
Is this a consolation prize?
No.
Should I open it now?
Maybe you should wait.
You know, it's more dramatic that way.
Does it have a happy ending?
We deserved one.
Goodbye, Archie.
Goodbye, Pumpkin.